I have decided to put my movie project “Killer Jane” on hold. In order to make “Jane,” I would have to raise cash through a campaign and or grantwriting, hire actors and, probably, shoot out of town.
Even though I have been ambitious and pro-hyper-active all my adult life, I think no matter how much fun production was (and it would be if I got to work with two of the actors whom I’ve already talked to), no matter how good it looked, no matter how much recognition it got, it would make me miserable and unhealthy; and it would probably take me at least a year to recover.
I was so bipolar for so long this year (about 10 weeks from May 24th-August 10th) that I had to minimalize my life. I pared down my projects, stayed indoors most days, and even stayed in bed until noon a few times just as I would if I had a cold.
No medication has ever worked for me for very long. However, I have been extremely lucky in having talented therapists who recognized I am able to self-modify, and who worked with me on that. Self-modification and stress management. That usually keeps me from getting way too crazy. I believe that even if you are hard to medicate, if you have a strong constitution to begin with, can self-discipline, are glass-half-full – you’re just going to fare better.
Minimalizing my life seems to have worked; and in spite of waking up crazy every day, I did not have horrible stress like I usually do when I’m sick for almost 3 months. I am so happy right now in spite of being limited. I can’t help but wonder how much misery my ambition has caused me and people around me because I am sometimes sick from February into September. This morning it occurred to me that I should continue this daily vigilance, just like (if medication worked for me) I would keep taking my medication!!!
I will happily and solitarily (except for shoots with my husband) continue to greenscreen mythological performance art, which is my ongoing passion. We will see what happens.