This piece is autobiographical. I have periodically had suicidal thoughts since I was 12 years old. My last suicidal episode was 6-1/2 days during the middle of this month. When I was a child, suicidal episodes coincided with bipolar depression. But for the last 15 or so years, in my life suicidality has been episodes of suddenly waking up with my first thought of the day, “I should be dead” without any reason or even sadness or depression. It is like a brain flu that boogie mans its way into my life, takes up all the personal emotional space in which I feel safe and then, just as suddenly after a few days or weeks, disappears like a virus. It is distressingly unpredictable; and though my several episodes per year of depression and mania happen like clockwork at almost the same times every year, the suicidality never happens in the same way. I am fortunate that having made art about mental illness all my career, I have an incredible network of support to reach out to during periods of difficult neurochemistry.